blame canada Issue I, Volume II.

i'm off tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, and the day after that, and then another one too. and then i'm off to canada, foos.

remember to have your pets spayed or neutered and please kids, stay out of the streets.

can't believe how strange it is to be anything at all.

today brings an amalgam of several of my favorite things about blogging.

1. someone made me a mix.
from elizabeth, who rocks her shit from south fork, colorado...proving you don't have to live in the city to know what's going on.

elizabeth, thank you for including probably my favorite song ever.

every summer, my attention turns to acoustic music for whatever reason, and this will all fit in just perfectly into what is, so far, the best summer ever.

2. shameless self-promotion.
not mine, but justin's. he has a show at double daughter's tonight if you're interested, and if you're into the next big thing.

3. stuff people do.
like this guy.

happy tuesday. i'm off to lunch.

hey!



i JUST found out five point two seconds ago that one of my favorite live bands, the clumsy lovers, are playing at the bluebird tonight.

funny enough, they're a bluegrass band.

from canada.

let me know if you're interested in going!

all for one.

you're doing so well, son.





...thank you, master.





you have chosen...wisely.





our secret is safe.





they'll never know.





they've all fallen for my ruse.





you're collar's up, dear. what did i tell you about that?





you’re glib.





fag.





ferry.





...and on that note, is anyone else seeing the disgusting parallels between tom cruise and frank t.j. mackey?

harp-OH!

at first glance, i thought this was just another uppity retail publicity stunt, but upon further inspection, i realized that it was actually part of an intricate scheme for an international caste system:

"Hermes regrets not having been able to accommodate Ms. Winfrey and her team and to provide her with the service and care that Hermes strives to provide to each and every one of its customers worldwide,"

really? ...really, hermes? because i'm pretty sure that if i went to paris and tried to go shopping while you were closed, i'd be arrested.

each and every one of its customers worldwide, indeed.

no matter. i gave my shopping list to oprah anyway. and she knows what happens if i'm not happy.

breathe in, breathe out.

i'm going back to cali canada.

to cali canada.

to cali canada.

hold on...

are those coldsores?


two birthdays, my sunburn, and how i lost $35

an early week digi-purge for you pleasure.


today is not kasey's birthday; primarily because she doesn't have one. email kasey and tell her how much she sucks.



last friday, my uber-gay neighbor and i decided to take advantage of the sunshine and broke into the pool at the fancy apartment complex up the street. he told me his swimsuit was lilly pulitzer. i asked who that was, and he said i was dead to him.



after ensuring my destiny with skin cancer, we headed for thai food. a smorgasbord of thai iced tea, spicy food and fortune cookies.



often times, billy can't go very long without cracking dirty jokes. more often than that, we restrain ourselves from punching him in the throat.



friday night we trekked the half mile to lion's lair on colfax to see a band called heartless bastards that laura wouldn't shut her trap about. seriously, the female lead is all of 5'2" and is said to suffer from sever social anxiety, but this chick can shake down a shack with her vocals. the best way to describe it is that she wails like cassandra from wayne's world. wails.



sasha, laura, and our token hippy friend mike. mike comes around when he doesn't have money because he knows that my inner hippy deems it necessary to just buy shit for him. and because he's in love with sasha. but don't tell anyone i said that. sasha might get mad.



friday gave another late night trip to the speakeasy, where sasha made a drink she calls the "sasha" - essentially, a shot of jager in sprite. patent pending.



the new speakeasy bartender and the old speakeasy bartender stealing $35 from me in a bet. i was told the new bartender was a lesbian, so i thought she'd back down. i was wrong. and now i'm $35 poorer, and jeff is a happy, happy guy. thieves. every last one of you.



i was offered an opportunity to house sit for a couple leaving for peru for two years that live outside of evergreen. the rent-free offer would put me within serious arm's length of my goal to buy my own place, but there were a few red flags associated with the deal:

1. the 45 minute drive (with no traffic) to downtown was kind of a damper

2. you have to four-wheel to get to their driveway

3. the neighborhood is littered with missing dog signs, because they get eaten by mountain lions so often. nikko's not down with mountain lions.



amanda jones, one of my best friends from high school, was in town this weekend for her berfday (you might remember her from such episodes as the time i went to new york city to see my friend amanda. we started at 9th door.



kelly and chris.



giggly girls.



arial view. amanda's husband mike and steve "i rock ugly moustaches" chatting.



a rare photo. i don't know who took this.



amanda being pretty. amanda, happy birthday. come more often.



sunday was spent with aunts, uncles, cousins and fathers. mine fell asleep in the sun before 3 p.m.

kay, i have to work now.

late night.

early morning.







my mad scientist older brother and his fiance are off to nassau to get married!

you can send them presents if you want. via me.

dear michael jackson:

you were around in the 80's. you remember.

remember when fred krueger was finally arrested for the molestation and murder of the missing children? but the search warrant wasn't signed correctly, so all evidence was improperly seized, and krueger was released?

and then after freddy's trial, the parents of the neighborhood took the law into their own hands, and found krueger in his boiler room and burned him to death?

i'm just sayin', yo.


we'll never sleep

i jacked this jpg from chromewavesbut god knows we'll try.

i'm not sure why i love rilo kiley so much.

aside from jenny lewis and her troop beverly hills adventures, her attachment to ben gibbard and the like (all basic indie common knowledge by now), i think it has something to do with the fact that every person i know that listens to them hated them at first.

i'm terrible with metaphors - i can't ever describe something in a way that makes you go, wow anne, i really think i know what you're talking about. i usually just get blank stare and make apologies. in that sense, i don't know who or what rilo kiley sounds like, much aside from awesome.

i remember my friend rick baca came up with the word countrypolitan for them in his january 2005 denver post article, and i think that's probably a good fit.

...and for the naysayers, you bet i counted. there are 27 repetitions of 'never' in 'i never.'

rilo kiley's playing tonight at the gothic. are you going?

rob says you love, love, love, and then you die.

mental disorders about which you may wish to become aware

cotard's syndrome: a syndrome in which the patient complains of believing that he or she has died and is a walking corpse.

kluver-bucy syndrome: major symptoms may include an urge to put all kinds of objects into the mouth and extreme sexual behavior.

socioeconomic disparity: those in position of power who appear calm suddenly lose control of themselves (i.e. when servants commit a minor mistake such as purchasing the wrong brand of bread)

narcissistic personality disorder: a condition characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance and an extreme preoccupation with one's self

histrionic personality disorder: involves a pattern of excessive emotional expression and attention-seeking, including an excessive need for approval and inappropriate seductiveness.

top ten reasons i hate madonna esther

out of a probable eleventy billion.

10. that fucking british accent she's tried to pass since '86

9. everyone proclaiming her contributions to feminism. do you even know what feminism is? because according to my records, she set us back a few decades.

8. every single one of her sucky videos. yes, even material girl

7. the fact that she's less art, more business

6. three words - body of evidence

5. she married guy ritchie and i didn't

4. did i mention that fucking british accent?

3. children's books and every single other one of her ghastly exploitations

2. she rarely writes or produces her own songs

1. everything. including her new name, and thinking that the whole world can't go for two seconds without being madly in love with her new favorite flavor of toothpaste.

blame canada.

hi! hi hi hi. what's new? i see my traffic has damn near disappeared, so i think the only ones still visiting are my actual friends. which is pretty cool, because now i can commence talking shit about people i don't know again.

but not before i post photos. there are many.


welcome to placentia, newfoundland - a small fishing town with a population around 200. out of a 12 day trip, there was about 9 composite hours of sunshine.



this weather was pretty standard. the environment was a bit of a shock for me, because it looked like the foothills of the rocky mountains here, but you're at sea level. and that's just too much for my noggin.

i never claimed to be the brightest star in the sky.



this was my place of business, an old naval base that's now used as our contracted fabrication shop. it served its purpose quite well - especially since i wasn't told until after we left that some workers discovered asbestos. seriously, hang out with me now because i might croak soon.



inside the shop. safety first, yo.



this is a smelting furnace, with which one can smelt things. i don't know what smelting means. yay college.

if i were smarter, i'da gotten a photo of what someone had written on the side of the smelting furnace in chalk, that i initially had mistaken for a serial number.

it said:

B 4 I (picture of a screw) U R U 1 8 Q T (pi symbol)

...it was pretty awesome.


the office. my hub. when i wasn't out trying not to break shit or violating safety codes, i was here. runnin' things. 'cause that's how i roll.



i was told by more than one iron worker that my steel-toed boots were somehow fashionable. thanks, superKmart on broadway and alameda!



hotel. we were usually on site by 7 a.m., leave at 7 p.m., eat dinner, and get back to the hotel around 9:30 p.m., so the days were long and redundant. work, eat, home, work, eat, home, work, eat, home.



...which left little time for surfing. this is the kitchenette in my efficiency unit.



in placentia, there's one restaurant, in the lobby of the hotel. you have your choice of cod, cod fish, more cod, cod tongues (seriously), a turkey dinner or a club sandwich. i opted to starve myself mostly, but the cod was quite enjoyable.

everything's in french there, but everyone sounds irish. canada is a smorgasbord of anglo-saxon influence. now ya know.



inside that restaurant, just off to the right there, is four digital casino machines, which were manned day and night by morbidly obese senior citizens. here, marge's son tears her away from the electronic slot machine to use the ladie's room.



i was up earlier than everyone else every day, because i was still submitting my denver post features. it was always clear very early, and then the fog would come. being from denver, and being confused in general about the concept of humidity, i found this fascinating. the clouds would literally drop out of the sky and melt down the mountains.



see? weird.



placentia did have a mall, though i'm not sure why. all the stores in it were closed. the teenaged canadian hooligans would go hang out there anyway. they love the smell of commerce in the morning.



this is the back of my coworker's head, with whom i had to spend every waking minute. i haven't seen him in the office yet today, and that's fucking fine by me.



since newfoundland is so far north, the sun doesn't go down til about 9:45 at night. during the sunny hours i would take some black horse and go sit by my lonesome on the little dock behind our hotel and listen to music (i didn't have a phone, so i couldn't call anyone, and i didn't have cable, and IMing seemed like too much work).

one day i was listening to arcade fire's wake up, and the line about having to adjust seemed so appropriate at the time, as i was adjusting to the trip, and to being a grown up, so i took a picture of my feet.

then i kicked my own ass for being so corny. and shut up - i bet you do stupid shit when you're alone for long periods of time, too.



'twas, at times, indeed a pretty sight. naaaaaaaature is all around me.



coming home, denver was cold and rainy. natch. but laura picked me up from the aeropuerto and had just crossed the 100,000 mile mark on her car. somehow, this made up for the weather.

the end.

...eh?